Hollywood actor and WWE wrestler John Cena attended the graduation ceremony on June 17, 2026, at Jersey Mike’s Arena at Rutgers University. Cena has dominated the WWE for several years. He was undefeated because his opponents could literally not see him—nor could the graduating Eagles of Edison High on this illustrious occasion.
The security team for the 6′ 1’’, 251-pound star was on high alert so that they did not lose him. Nevertheless, Cena’s bodyguards called the local police innumerable times, reporting that he went missing and that they couldn’t find him, even when he was right in front of their faces.
“We had to leave a Macy’s robbery to come and find Cena,” said the commissioner of the police department, Noah Dia.
When the ceremony started, teachers, seniors, and school administrators didn’t realize they walked with the WWE star to their seats and the stage. The noble Principal of Edison High School, Mr. Charles K. Ross, had promised to make a few brief remarks, and after his 40-minute speech, he gave the microphone to where he thought Cena would be.
“Hello everyone, I hope you can see me. I’m honored to be here,” said Cena. The crowd sat there confused, still waiting for him to actually appear and speak. Some thought that Cena never attended the graduation ceremony and that the activity was just an outgoing retirement prank orchestrated by Boss Ross.
“Why did I have to invite this super handsome invisible human?” wondered Ross, mewing for the crowd himself in competition. Cena kept blabbering about how good the good old days were, joking about how he barely graduated years ago, how much hope now rests on these graduates to fix the expensive and inflated economy, the absolutely cooked state of the world, and the sudden invention of twelve new non-dairy milks nobody asked for, but somehow all cost $9.
The ceremony was expected to last approximately 3 hours, but fortunately, it was shortened to a whopping 1 hour, 59 minutes, and 99 seconds. The Eagle’s Eye, the school newspaper of Edison High, reported that the graduation was like a GIF: short, silly, and confusing.
Either way, parents were so bored that few of them were heard saying that they would rather do household chores or get a root canal than sit here and listen to some living fossil yap and watch their beloved child take 6-7 seconds to walk the stage to receive a book that would never be opened again.
The 17-Time World Champion, Cena, chose to come and talk to the youth rather than win another useless and unreal title for his ego collection. Meanwhile, confused parents wandered the arena, searching for the invisible superstar, as if it were a scavenger hunt sponsored by the WWE.
“I missed my son receiving that empty book because I was looking for that invisible idiot,” said Port Aballe, who reportedly spent twenty-two minutes applauding thin air.
Most parents would rather do almost anything than be at such a boring graduation. They’d rather watch paint dry, fold a mountain of laundry, or sit in traffic with music interrupting their Spotify ads. Some graduates said they would rather listen to their dad talk about how gas was only 85 cents in 1994 and how they walked 10 miles to go to school, all uphill.
By the time the speech was halfway over, parents were surviving on pure hope, no water, and the dream of hearing their kids’ names said incorrectly. No one really saw Cena that day, obviously.
“I wished that I could have gone invisible like him and left that boring, bland, and brainless ceremony,” said Robin Dabank.
