School lunch is supposed to give energy, but instead, it tests our bravery. To acknowledge this true test of courage, teachers will be offering 5-10 extra points on a recent test grade if students can eat the soggy vegetables, mystery meats, and cardboard pizza and live to try it again the next day. This is invaluable for grade-grubbing EHS students because our GPA is increasing just by shoving mystery food into our mouths. Parents are happy they don’t have to cook, and their kids get better, even more inflated grades that will get them into Harvard, Yale, and Princeton, where the cafeteria food is also exceptionally mediocre.
“I wish I could make food and pack it for my kids, but I’m too lazy to wake up early and cook,” said the mother of twin brothers Miles and Yard.
Long lines and less food are the school lunch staff’s motto. Still, every day, students line up like it’s a survival show for extra credit. From unidentified proteins to bland vegetables that meet every government gold standard nutritional requirement, they truly have it all. With enough paperwork, power, and perseverance, even the most questionable meals can be officially balanced. Milk looks older than students in the building, pizza has the texture of rubbery cardboard, and fries are rock-hard but weirdly soft.
“I would rather DoorDash from McDonald’s, which is 200 meters away, and pay the $5 delivery fee than risk my life eating cafeteria food,” said Yuri Nator.
But what is desirable about EHS food? All the students know it’s mac and cheese; the mac and cheese is somehow mouth-watering, musky magic! It looks like a yellow NYC cab but tastes like scandalous Italian pasta. Science teachers have been telling their class to bring the school mac and cheese on lab day and try to figure out what additives and chemicals are kept in this tray of sunshine. If you figure it out, you get an extra 20 points on the next quiz or test.
“Every day, my parents ask me what I ate, and I say, wistfully, that I just don’t know,” said Lacktoes N. Tolerant.
Along the lines of gas and the daily Starbucks indulgence, the surge in cafe prices leaves many students stunned. Everything has a price, and the price of a decent grade is way too high. The cafeteria is a high-stakes experiment where your wallet suffers first, and your taste buds surrender shortly after. Teachers have started a new slogan to get students to eat these unpleasant meals.
“Finish your meal, boost your GPA.”
“I’m tired of guarding the cafeteria. Every wing day turns into chaos with students rushing the line and stuffing wings into their mouths for a few extra A+’s and some stomach problems. And why was your wing completely covered in ranch, like it was taking a bath? The things we guards have to deal with just to get paid, you’d never understand,” said Anita Brake.
If you drink the spoiled, sour, and smelly milk and live to try it again the next day, you also get a homework pass for the next dumb assignment. Teachers are starting a new competition in class: the stinkiest flatulence earns you 15 extra points, and so does the strongest and loudest. So far, the defending champion is Cloud Maker—some even affectionately call him Windy. He says the best way to win is by eating the school lunch with a lot of hot sauce and drinking two cartons of milk.
“You have to sacrifice something to achieve anything in life, so I made a massive sacrifice for extra credit,” said Windy.